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Monster by Circumstance transcript
(A parody of the intro to Big Wolf on Campus plays, intercut with a visual parody of Monster by Mistake) (intro plays) (we pan through the window of a house and see a boy sneezing, turning into a blue humanoid creature every other sneeze. He stops when he's human.) ???: Matt? You okay? Matt: I'm fine mom! Mom: You sure? Because you could stay home from school. (peeks through the door) Matt: I'd love to but I'm serious, I'm doing fine. Mom: Hmmm... Well at least wear a jacket when you head out. Matt: You got it. (the mother leaves) Matt: Phew. (a ghost phases in through the ceiling.) Matt: About time you show up Finbar. Finbar: I had to wait until the air cleared, what with all the sneezing and junk. Matt: What're you worried about? You're dead, you can't catch my cold, allergies, whatever I have now. Finbar: You can never be too careful. Germs mutate, just look at what happened at the Applegate. Matt: Fin, they were doomed the minute they went there. Finbar: Anyway, I think you should stay home today, with all that sneezing, people are bound to see you turn into the monster. Matt: Not a chance. It's pizza day today. Finbar: Pizza? Bex: What rock have you been living under? (Bex enters the room.) Bex: Every time somebody cuts school, they punish the student by having them serve pizza and watching the well-behaved gorge themselves. Matt: Yeah, and... I'm the server this year. (a flashback plays where Matt is at the arcade during school. Principal Kadic arrives.) Kadic: Excuse me, do you have any spare tokens? I got Pac Fever real- HEY! Matt: Oh uh... Principal Kadic I- Kadic: I see you couldn't resist the allure of ditching school for the sake of sensory depravation. Matt: Why're you here? Kadic: I'm on my lunch break and I have time to kill. Matt: Don't bust me, I'll do anything. Kadic: Of course you will Myers. You'll be serving pizza to students that'll contribute to society, and if you don't show up I could always send you to our sub classroom for the rest of the school year. Have a nice day. (flashback ends.) Finbar: Well, my hands are tied. But what about the sneezing? Bex: I think I've got it. (Bex puts a clothespin on Matt's nose) Bex: I got the idea from one of my classmate's computer projects. Matt: Well my nose does feel a lot less irritated. Now, how long do we- *Matt sees the clock* Oh man we better get going! (it cuts to Julie and Emily walking to school.) Julie: For the last time, you'll never get me into Nine Inch Nails or Tool. Emily: And again, they directed their hate to bands like Limp Bizkit. Julie: Even so, how could anyone listen to the same songs over and over again? (Matt and Bex run past them, making them fall.) Julie: Watch where you're going! Emily: Let it go Jules. It's Matt. Julie: Smh, Matt. Always have the feeling that he's hiding something. (to Matt and Bex) Matt: Come on Bex, we're going to be late! ???: You already are! Bex: Oh crud. (a heavyset bully comes out.) Matt: Uh... hi Wiley. Wiley: What's that on your nose Matty? Bex: Leave us alone Wiley. Wiley: Leave us alone Wiley. I'd like to hear it from Matty, as much as I'd like to know what's on his nose. Matt: It's part of an experiment. Now leave us alone. Wiley: I dare you to take it off. Matt: I want to get this experiment done, and done right. Wiley: I don't believe you. (Wiley snatches the pin. Matt feels a sneeze come on and he runs for the door.) Wiley: Playing hard to get eh? Time for a little- (Wiley gets slammed into the wall by Angela.) Angela: This is a conservative school, dummy! Wiley: I meant beat him up! Angela: Oh. (we see Matt fashioning his own pin out of a hair clip. It falls down and Matt sneezes, turning into the monster.) Wiley: Oh Matt! Matt: Crud! (Matt hides by the lockers. Wiley peaks out the corner.) Wiley: Matt? (Wiley looks by the lockers. After a few instances of both Wiley and Matt looking opposite ways, Wiley tricks Matt into revealing himself, causing both to scream.) Matt: Okay okay! Take a deep breath Wiley. (Wiley breathes in and screams again.) Matt: Geez, if everyone feels this way I'm a shoe-in for Hollywood. N-now calm down Wiley calm down! Wiley: For the love of god and all that's holy! *Wiley runs away.* Matt: Better jet! (Matt hides in a broom closet. Wiley goes to the closet and tries to open it, but it's locked.) Wiley: Somebody!? *runs off* (Matt tries to turn the knob.) Matt: What kind of sick twisted person makes a doorknob that lacks that little latch that unlocks the front!? (it cuts to Wiley walking with Principal Kadic.) Kadic: There's no such thing as monsters Wiley. Wiley: What about that werewolf girl? And that alien girl? And that witch? Geez a lot of monsters are female. Kadic: Okay, fine, you're at that age. Yes, monsters exist. What monster did you see? Wiley: How do I describe it...? Ever seen Gumby? Kadic: Of course. Wiley: Well imagine if Gumby was human-looking, but lacking in most features and looks as if he has some kind of skin condition. Kadic: I find that to be a bit hard to believe. (to Matt, Matt accidentally hits a bucket, which knocks into a stack of brooms, making noise.) Wiley: Pretty sure he's in the closet, so feel free to prove me wrong. Kadic: Gladly. (Kadic goes to the door and unlocks it.) Kadic: The best way to face any monster is head... ON! (Matt sneezes and turns back to normal just as the door opens.) Kadic: Myers? What're you doing in here? Matt: I needed to find some tissues. Wiley: Good for you, now where's the monster? Matt: Have you tried the ladies room? Wiley: This isn't f- wait, could it be? Matt: You think I'm a monster? Wiley: No, but I'm beginning to wonder. Kadic: Wonder on your own time! Wiley, get to class. Matt, come with me, I want to break your spirit before lunch time. Matt: Of course... (cuts to the lunch room. Everyone's waiting in line to get pizza. An annoying student comes up to Stephy, Angel and Sophia.) Shimmy: What do you call a snail on a ship? Sophia: I swear to god... Shimmy: A bulk of the casualties on the Titanic! Stephy: Go bug someone else twerp. Shimmy: Lame. (Shimmy leaves. The three girls secretly giggle over the joke. It then goes to Matt.) Bex: How're you holding up? Matt: Could be worse. Bex: And the whole, you know what? Matt: I don't know if it's plot convenience or not but- Alison: HEY! Talk on your own time we're starving here! Matt: See ya later, I guess. (Bex is given a slice and the line moves forward.) Matt: Enjoy your increased cholesterol. Alison: Sheesh, what a grump. (it cuts to the Elites talking about Matt.) Ashley: Matt used to be Eminesque, now he's not any esque at all, what's that about? Tommy: *gasp, do you think he did something regrettable? Randall: Hmmm, what's your source in all this? Ashley: I know a guy. Anyway, the last we heard of him he found this book at a flea market and he hasn't been around much. Dante: Guess he nerded himself into silence. Bex: Well maybe he can't get a word in edge wise, and who's fault is that? Francis: What's the matter? Bex: Uh... I don't want to talk about it. (back to Matt, he feels a sneeze coming on.) Matt: Cover for me. Kadic: You got it- wait, I don't give breaks! (Matt runs for the exit, bumping into Jerry and Jenny and making them drop their pizza.) Jerry: IS THERE NO GOD!? (Matt runs into a nearby bathroom and sneezes, turning into the monster. He looks at himself in the mirror.) Matt: There's a pretty picture. (Matt hears someone flush and he goes to the furthest corner to hide. Georgina comes out of the stall, picks her nose and walks out.) Matt: I walked into the girls room, didn't I? (Jerry busts the bathroom door open.) Jerry: That's him Principal Kadic! That's the kid who killed my pizza! Kadic: Myers, you know as well as I do that making someone drop their pizza is an infraction of the highest degree. Go home. Matt: I'm expelled? Kadic: I'm forced to go by the three strike policy, so me sending you home is the warning portion. Now get out before I blow through the rest! (later on, we see Matt watching a TV show about a human/monster tearfully telling a story to the host. Matt watches and downs an entire jar of jelly beans.) Girl: It was the only reason he asked me out! Host: Let it all out. Did he make you feel like one of those bags of candy bars that get emptied when put in the hands of a fat kid? (Matt changes the channel and it goes to a hospital drama. It becomes full screen and we see Matt's on the table as the monster.) Nurse: His skin is getting too thick! Doctor: He's getting bigger! Doctor 2: Evacuate! (everyone but the first doctor leaves.) Nurse: Lawrence! What're you doing!? Lawrence: GET OUT OF THERE! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF! (Matt grows and crushes the doctor through the window.) Lawrence: I surprisingly lived through that. (it cuts to Matt walking through the city.) Leland: Look out y'all! It's gummy-zilla! He looks like King Kong and Gumby's son! (it cuts to Stephy, Angel and Sophia in an apartment.) Sophia: Anyone up for tacos? (Matt peeks through the window.) Stephy: Do what the damsels never could! Run for the door! (the girls head for the door and Matt sticks his hand into the apartment, but he just grabs a piece of old pizza and eats it.) Angel: What? None of us are good enough for a hike up a skyscraper? (Matt eats the pizza and gets a stomach ache.) Alison: Uh-oh, REFERENCE! (Matt breaks wind, blowing everyone and everything away.) Damien: THAT'S IT MATT! SHOW THE WORLD WHO'S BOSS! Kerry: I'll bet I get blamed for this. Phoebe: Such a delicate balance between life and death. *lights a match* Oops I killed us. (an explosion occurs and Matt wakes up.) Matt: That's it. I don't care what it takes, I need to get this demon out of me. (it cuts to Wiley walking home.) Wiley: I don't care what it takes, I need to prove Matt's the monster. With that clothespin on his nose, I think I found his trigger. (it cuts to a montage of Wiley trying to bring out the monster. First, he shoots pepper-filled BB bullets through a window at a silhouette of Matt, but it's revealed to be a shadow puppet show ran by Stephy, Angel and Sophia. Then he tries to electrocute a sleeping Matt, but he sees this and gets a heart attack. The wires indirectly revive him. Finally, Wiley tries to push Matt off a railing as he's playing with a remote control bee, but the Halloween Kids see him and take him away.) Wiley: You don't understand, I was just- Alison: Shut up you murderer! (later on, we see Matt starting out the window of his room.) Bex (coming in): Guess what? I think I found a way to get rid of your curse! Matt: Well do it, come on! Bex: Uh... it's not that easy. I don't even know how well this'll even work. Matt: I'll take it, just do it. Bex: Okay fine, Acaca, dadaca, badicat! (Matt and the monster are separated from one another. The monster leaps out the window and runs off.) Matt: Well at least it's out of me. (the next day, Alison and Colleen are seen walking to school together.) Alison: Got anything good for lunch? Colleen: Some of that pizza from yesterday. Alison: Huh, was wondering why you didn't eat it. Colleen: You see, I like to let my pizza cool to at least below room temperature, that way the grease congeals and I get more of a bite out it. (the monster runs from behind them, knocking them over and stepping on them.) Alison: Did you get the license number of that mutant? Colleen: I think I bit my tongue. (it cuts to Jerry and Jenny sitting beneath the bleachers.) Jenny: What would you do if I died? Jerry: I'd probably move on. Jenny: What? Jenny: You'd want me to not let a tragedy take over my life. You'd want me to be happy. Jenny: You know just what to say. (both lean in for a kiss, but the monster rips the top of the bleachers open, making the two scream. It then cuts to Elizabeth, Dolly and Suzy walking together.) Suzy: So I was like, if you're going to be that big of a baby over wet socks, just put them on the radiator. Dolly: I can't believe he totally acted like that. Elizabeth: Well to be fair, while the socks'll get dry, you still have to deal with the smell. Dolly: Totally like that one time my drier crapped out on me- (the three bump into the monster.) Suzy: Uh... is this good or bad? (it cuts to them getting wedgied atop a telephone pole.) Dolly: Totally bad. (it cuts to Matt and Bex running to school.) Wiley: Oh Matt! Matt: What is it now Wiley? Wiley: Enjoy your privacy while you still can. I have enough- (the monster comes by and steps on Wiley.) Wiley: Looks like you're off the hook... Bex: I'm beginning to think this is all a mistake. Matt: Hey, as long as we're not suffering over it. Kadic *via announcement*: Attention folks, we're in a state of suffering. A human-looking Gumby is currently terrorizing the school. I will excuse all of you from class, just evacuate at- OH LORD! AAAAGH! Bex: Well, we're suffering. Matt: I mean me and you. (later on, a meeting is taking place at the manor regarding the monster.) Alison: I want to keep this as brief as possible- Elizabeth: Just kill him now! He gave us a wedgie! Alison: He practically broke my and Colleen's spines! Elizabeth: Wow, that's much worse. Alison: It's clear that this beast can't be reasoned with. He must be stopped at any cost. Elizabeth: That's... so what I suggested. Colleen: Shut up. Alison: Everyone split up. We'll search all of Belbury until- Leland: Woah, get a load of this commercial. Alison: For your sake that better be the monster. (advertisement, featuring a cupcake and carrot.) Cupcake: You're not so tuff. Carrot: I make up for my weakness by being a building block for good health. Cupcake: Well kids still love me better. Carrot: Don't make fun of me cupcake. Cupcake: Why shouldn't I? Carrot: Cuz baby carrots grow up to be... (the monster comes up, holding blue carrots) Monster: MONSTER CARROTS! Announcer: New monster carrots! Sweet like candy, healthy as any other vegetable. Coming this week! Alison: That was easy. (it cuts to Matt and Bex who were watching the commercial.) Matt: What's the problem with this? Bex: I dunno, but chances are if we leave this untouched it'll get worse. Matt: Unless you find a way to get this thing out of my life forever, I'm afraid I'm spent. Bex: I think I have. It's a little thing called will-power. Matt; Huh? Bex: If you get the monster into you at a weakened state, you could kill it with some will-power. Matt: That makes no sense. Bex: Neither does anything in this town. Matt: Okay fine, let's do it. But if you're wrong you're history. (back to the Halloween Kids) Sparky: Through the power of plot convenience, I've discovered that the monster is conducting a business meeting aboard a train. Brighton: I take it he wants to sell his idea and get out of here as soon as possible? Julie: If so, something tells me there's more to these monster carrots than meets the eye. (it cuts to a storage room with boxes that contain the monster carrots. A rat burrows into one of the boxes and eats one of the carrots, turning into a similar creature to the monster.) (we then see Matt and Bex running to the Halloween Kids) Matt: We- Alison: He's on a train. Come on! (it cuts to a meeting being held by the monster.) Monster: Which brings me to the benefits of monster carrots. When anyone eats them, visual results are guaranteed. (the kids are seen running toward the train, eventually getting on it and finding the meeting.) Matt: Stop right there! I can't go on living life knowing that that monster is not part of me! Monster: Where're the white coats when you need them? Bex: Sorry monster, but we can't let you go through with this. Monster: I'll just go then. (the monster runs out of the room. It cuts to a bingo game going on.) Caller: G, 6. Monster: Stupid bingo! Don't you idiots know that there're idiots on this train? (the kids follow him.) Alison: Uh he doesn't mean us, he means the people in the next car. (the monster opens a door and discovers it's the end of the train, screaming.) Alison: Monster be careful! Monster: Get away from me you idiots! (the monster slips and falls out the door, grabbing the sides tightly.) Alison: NO! Monster: Let go of me you idiot! Save me! Bex: Don't kill him! Alison: I'm not trying to kill him I'm trying to save him you goon! (they go through the tunnel and a strobe effect plays throughout. They exit and pull the monster up just before he gets struck by a fallen branch.) Bex: Macaca, daca, shakalaka! (the monster begins to weaken. The train stops and he runs out, getting hit by multiple cars upon getting to the street. He runs to a tent revival and the kids follow him in.) Preist: Hey! We're in the middle of a prayer here! Monster: Prayer is blasphemous! (an old woman faints. The kids go up to the monster and Bex readies for another spell.) Bex: Nachahca, okacha, siracha! (the monster enters Matt and Matt uses his will power to fight him.) Monster: Matt! You can't beat me! Matt: We'll see about that! (both exchange punches.) Matt: Gumby-butt! Monster: Tinkerbell! Matt: George Bush! Monster: Harry S. Truman! (they fall to the ground.) Monster: Eat this! (the monster spits and it lands on Matt.) Matt: Okay, you asked for it! (Matt stands and uses all his will-power to stop the monster.) Monster: You can't do this to me Matt! Matt: I can, and I WILL! (The monster grows, affecting Matt's body. The old woman faints again.) Man: I'm not going to keep picking your behind off of the ground woman. (Matt manages to destroy the monster.) Priest: Uh... don't mind this folks. It was an act of God that brought him here today. Through an act of intervention he managed to exercise the devil within him. Or so it seems... (everyone walks out.) Preist: Crud, back to selling DVD players. (the next day, the kids head to school.) Matt: Thanks for saving me guys. Alison: It's what we do best. Bex: I guess this is the start of a beautiful friendship. Alison: Pssh, yeah, and monkeys will fly up my butt. (the kids all leave him and Bex behind.) Matt: Well we gave it a shot.